by Alecia Monaco Greetings, guys and gals out in gossip land! This is your new monthly columnist reporting for duty! As a devotee of all things snarky and celeb-tastic, I'm thrilled to bring you this month's offerings of delightful dish. So let's get started… The mystery of Anna Nicole's baby daddy continues, with several men making claims that they are the father of her new baby girl, including Anna's lawyer/boyfriend/BFF Howard Stern as well as ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead and a couple of weirdoes posting on the Trim Spa site. You'd think with the recent tragedy in Anna's life the fame whores and fortune hunters could pass up this particular shot at their fifteen minutes, but apparently not. Your humble correspondent is hoping lawyer Howard Stern does indeed turn out to be the father of baby Dannilynn…imagine if she got mom's looks and dad's brains! Of course, it could always swing the other way…which brings me to… The wedding of the season! I'm speaking of no less than the nifty nuptials of the ever popular TomKat. The star studded soiree in beautiful Bracciano, Italy took place at a 15th century castle. World renowned designer Giorgio Armani created not only the bride's off the shoulder ivory silk gown, but also Cruise's handmade suit and baby Suri's simple white wool frock. The couple exchanged vows before a Scientology minister underneath an awning, surrounded by candles and exotic flowers. Guests ranging from JLo to Posh (and you know these were VIPs, as we no longer refer to them by anything resembling their real names) noshed on Italian hors d'oeuvres followed by a multi-course meal. The paparazzi plagued pair then cut their five tier white chocolate wedding cake, which was decorated with marzipan roses and white chocolate chips. All in all, it was an affair to remember…not that I was, like, there or anything.

But if your invitation was lost in the mail, too, never fear! An intrepid Sims player has created a virtual version of the event for all of us little people out in flyover country to enjoy! Just point your browser to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TAAZB_aHuMand experience the magic, the majesty, the miracle that is TomKat (sarcasm).

In other Tom and Katie news (because, really, is there anything else more important happening in the world other than what these two are doing? Not the last time I checked), the duo is reportedly in talks to record a cover version of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" and have been offered astronomical sums of cash to lay down the track. "Tom's got a great voice," a source close to the couple says, "and he loves that song ever since his 'Top Gun' character Maverick sang it to woo his love interest Kelly McGillis. Katie proved how talented she is musically when she performed in 'The Singing Detective' remake." But, alas, there's an unfortunate obstacle standing between the newlyweds and musical stardom: apparently Tom's devotion to Scientology is creating difficulties with finalizing a deal. Sorry, kids, it looks like you may have to wait a while longer to get your hands on a TomKat single. I know it's hard, but try to be strong. Time will help you heal. Yeah.

Anyway.

This certified Seinfeld fanatic has certainly been disappointed by Michael Richard's recent troubles. In addition to his recent racially charged meltdown while onstage at an LA comedy club, the three-time Emmy winner is now being accused of doing a Mel Gibson and hurling anti-Semitic slurs at an audience member back in April. Representatives for Richards have confirmed that the star did indeed make these remarks, claiming "it was part of his act."

Kramer, we barely knew ye.

And it's a battle of the daytime divas as Kelly Ripa and Rosie O'Donnell go head to head and claw to claw over Ripa's recent remarks regarding songbird Clay Aiken. The "Live" star reprimanded Aiken for putting his hand over her mouth during a segment of the show, claiming that she didn't know where his hand had been. The "View" hostess with the mostest fired back that Ripa's remark was homophobic, claiming that "If that was a straight man, if that was a cute man. If that was a guy who she didn't question his sexuality, she would've said a different thing. I was offended by that ... I guarantee if that was Mario Lopez, she would not have said the same thing."

First of all, I've always thought Clay was a cutie. Secondly, the American Idol alum has never claimed to be gay. Does this amount to Rosie outing Clay? Do the math, kids…speaking of outings…

The feud on the set of "Grey's Anatomy" between super hunks Patrick Dempsey and Isaiah Washington reportedly happened when Washington used a homophobic slur when referring to their co-star T.R. Knight. Dempsey then allegedly told Washington to "pick on someone your own size." Blows (and not even the fun kind!) ensued. While peace has apparently been restored on the set of everyone's favorite medical drama, the incident did push Knight out of the closet. The actor stated that "…there have been a few questions about my sexuality, and I'd like to quiet any unnecessary rumors that may be out there. While I prefer to keep my personal life private, I hope the fact that I'm gay isn't the most interesting part of me."

T.R., baby, you have nothing to worry about. Your fans find many of your parts interesting.

And while we're on the subject of sudden closet exits, there have been more coming outs in Hollywood lately than at a debutante cotillion in Charleston. Child actor turned sitcom star Neil Patrick "Doogie Howser" Harris recently revealed that he's gay, following in the footsteps of boyband heartthrob Lance Bass. According to gossip meister Perez Hilton, a particularly shocking outing is in the offing, but no names have been confirmed as of yet, so stay tuned…

In the "It's About Damned Time" category, I'm pleased to report that Nicole Richie has fired stylist to the super-skinny Rachel Zoe. In an effort to "surround herself with positive people and influences" the painfully thin celeb has severed ties to the Svengali credited with dramatically changing the star's look. Zoe, who also styles starlets Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton, has been accused of pushing her clients to lose excessive amounts of weight. Hopefully Nicole's new direction will encourage a healthier body image in Hollyweird, where the lollypop look has clearly gone too far.

That's it for my first Cheeky Changeling column, so until next time, stay safe, stay snarky, and happy holidays!

Alecia Monaco