 Art by Sahara Kelly |
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Oh Carnal One, here to help you solve all of your sexual issues/dysfunctions/ills/quirks.
Well, not really because I'm not licensed to do that. Actually, I'll probably yank your crank more than anything else, so don't go thinking I'm some Dr. Ruth. I have no PhD's, I sure as hell don't have a license to practice sex therapy, but I do know a thing or two about sex! Not a lot of things, just some things and due to my giving nature, I'm willing to share them with you, the reading public at large. I also give advice to the lovelorn-so if you've been downing a gallon of Häagen-Dazs a day and crying in your beer over someone and you need help to get the hell over it, e-mail me. I'd be happy to tell you to get the proverbial grip. I'm kidding. I'll send tissues. So, what's your beef? Got a girlfriend who hates doggie style? Want to try something brimming with kink, but you still live in your parents' basement? All you gotta do is e-mail me at ohcarnalone@changelingpress.com and if you get lucky, I'll answer. Maybe. If I'm not too busy and reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 aren't on. |
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed by Oh Carnal One are not necessarily those of Changeling Press LLC. All advice is strictly given with intent toward the lighter side. Oh Carnal One is not a licensed practitioner. Oh Carnal One has no degrees in anything but a smart mouth. That means if you can't take it, don't dish it out. All names will be changed to protect the innocent, which kinda means don't sign your real name. That would just be dumb. Oh Carnal One reserves the right to edit your comments. This means don't get fresh or I'll send you SPAM. I'm joking. Oh Carnal One's monthly column is meant for entertainment purposes only. Like don't take any of this seriously. It's for giggles. Don't get your panties in a wad.
Happy February Fourteenth, readers-better known as the most pitiful day on earth for those of us without a love life!
Ah, Valentine's Day! Yes, readers, it's the month of chocolate covered cherries, Victoria's Secret thongs and Cupid. Who in my unauthorized opinion should be shot for putting us all under so much pressure to have a date.
This month brings us a reader who's fed up with all the love in the air and one who really needs to get a life!
So join me in "helping" them thrash out their angst, and advising them back to the straight and narrow. Until next month…
Yours in Carnality,
Oh Carnal One
xxoo
Dear Carnal One:
So please, Oh Carnal One, what can I do when everyone is celebrating a holiday that I loathe? How do I keep my sanity around all these people who're running around with stupid grins on their faces?
Sincerely,
I hate February. I hate St. Valentine's. I hate the ex. I hate that my co-workers all are receiving cheesy Valentine's cards with "I love you," while I haven't received even an email from my Mom. I hate flowers and chocolates.
I Hate Valentine's Day
Um, dear lose--er, sadly lacking a social life,
I say go the hell out and find a MAN. A big scrumptious one--then,
pick up a card from the Hallmark store and have him sign it (the
man, that is)--something like-- Love and Kisses, your Hot Stud Muffin.
Best of Luck in your fruitless search,
Oh Carnal One
Dear Carnal One:
Just checking…
Is it cheating if the "other object of affection" requires batteries?
Um, dear BOB addicted,
Why no, not at all, darling. It's only cheating if you're not the one holding the Everready.
A friend in BOB,
Oh Carnal One
Dear Carnal One:
I'm a 24-year old male who's a little shy when it comes to asking women out. Can you give me some advice on breaking the ice?
Dear Timid potential boy -toy,
Make some ice cubes--crush them.
All hot and sweaty over your prospects,
Oh Carnal One